thelooneys.com

Yesterday, after enduring weeks of erratically lukewarm water, I submitted a ServiceMagic request for estimates on replacing our 40 gallon water heater.  We’ve been having trouble with the stupid thing for a while now, and since it recently reached its average lifespan (10 years), we figured it was time for a ...

Tonight’s Powerball drawing is for $240 million.  I mention this to you now, because tomorrow, when I’m worth $240 million, I probably won’t talk to you any more. I’ve played the Powerball many times in my life, even though doing so goes against my belief that gambling is a nuisance to our society and that large ...

''You would be just as married without a big fancy wedding,'' we are told.  But the thing we're never told — the thing no one ever says — is, ''That dead guy over there will be just as dead without a fancy casket.''  We don't buy the fancy caskets for the dead guy, do we?  Nope, we buy them for ourselves.  We want ...

Last weekend I unleashed my golf skills on an unwitting golf course named Ute Creek.  (Side note: Despite having lived in a subdivision named “Spring Valley at Ute Creek” for three years now, I have no idea how to pronounce this odd little word, “Ute.”  I have a hunch it’s the name of a Native American ...

Dear Makers of Products,  If you have a product that you are trying to sell, please send one to me.  For I give you my word: If you send me a free product, I will seriously consider writing about it. You have nothing to lose, really.  If I like your product, I might just write a beautifully-worded review of ...

Now that I’m a grown man (and get, like, a paycheck and stuff), I like to throw my money around.  Sometimes I’ll make two packages of Ramen.  That’s right, TWO.  Other times I’ll make a meal of Little Debbie’s 25¢ snack cakes.  I can eat twice as many cakes as I could in in college, but these days ...

If you ask me, “A penny for your thoughts?” you should be ready for a weird thought or two.  More importantly, you should also be ready to give up that penny.   I’ve always taken the penny thing quite literally, for I believe we should be men of our word, if nothing else.  For instance, when one of my ...

My wife and I celebrated our eighth anniversary last night.  Each year around this time we like to reflect on our accomplishments, our relationship, and all the various manners of passive aggression we're using to destroy each other's hopes of happiness.  This year we also used the event to discuss our finances.  We've come to ...

Let’s play another round of “Which Way Should We Take It?” News Item: “One of Andy Warhol's 13 silkscreens of Elizabeth Taylor has sold at auction for $12.6 million.” Ways We Could Take It: Headline: Some Insane Apparently Not Homeless At All Headline: Andy Warhol Still Sucks, Still Dead, Still Raking It ...

My wife and I packed up the kids a couple of weekends ago and made our way to a ''starving artist'' art sale in Fort Collins.  These sales are a great way to find affordable art, especially art hand-painted by individuals lacking a basic understanding of perspective and proportion.  (And color.  And paint.  And ...