thelooneys.com

Dove is good at making soap.  Dove is good at making chocolate.  But, for some reason, Dove doesn’t make chocolate soap.  This seems like an oversight.  I say, these two companies need to get together and have a chat.  I believe that not only is chocolate soap the wave of the future, it is the brown wave. Who ...

British Phil and I work together and share disdain for all but the best television commercials.  Last week I went to his cubicle and asked, “You know which commercial I like even though they’ve shown it a million times?”  And British Phil said, “The Nextel one?”  He was right!  So I started humming the funky tune from ...

See the spikey-haired boy ostensibly resembling a young Albert Einstein?  My son thinks that boy's name is Julie Clark.  Sure, I could tell him that the little boy with the crazy hair isn't named Julie Clark and that Julie Clark is the pretty lady who founded the company.  But I don't.  Because I want him to be stupid. He ...

The good people of Springfield, Missouri are routinely subjected to bad and cruel things.  Grey winters, exposed power lines, and newscasters so awful you can't even laugh at them, just to name a few.  But this year a thing so horrifying has been foisted upon this town that all past grievances pale in comparison.  Imagine, if ...

Now, I'm all for giving blood.  Especially in sanctioned and socially-acceptable ways, for instance, the office blood drive.  I especially love getting to make the same jokes every year. phil_etchell:  i'd be happy to donate, they're just a little particular about where i've livedjason_looney:  and all those man ...

I should tell you first that I am not a car guy.  I drive my car a lot, but many of its details remain a mystery to me; details like the displacement of its engine and the location of its wiper fluid.  While I understand most of the pedals and knobs at my disposal, I view the hood, and all things beneath it, as off-limits.  I don't ...

Last weekend I unleashed my golf skills on an unwitting golf course named Ute Creek.  (Side note: Despite having lived in a subdivision named “Spring Valley at Ute Creek” for three years now, I have no idea how to pronounce this odd little word, “Ute.”  I have a hunch it’s the name of a Native American ...

Since Sarah is devoted to keeping our family free from foods with plastics in them, if anything tasty is to be bought for our pantry, I have to make my own trip to the grocery store.  This is why, the other night, I found myself at King Soopers picking up pre-cooked bratwurst for our family’s dinner.  It’s also how ...

Instead of criticizing it, I’m simply going to point out a few things about the magazine sitting to my right. The magazine is titled SLY and has Sylvester Stallone on the cover.  Coincidence?  Nope.  SLY is the nicknamely-eponymous magazine created by Sylvester Stallone.  Just like Oprah, Rosie, and Martha Stewart ...

A teenager was murdered in Brooklyn a few days ago.  A dozen or so bandits attacked the boy and his friends, stole many things — including tennis shoes and an iPod — and stabbed the kid to death. I know about this story because… well… I don’t know why.  Was this the only American ...

Lemon has been ruined for us.  The floor cleaner people and the furniture polish people can’t settle for lemon scent anymore — they are using real lemon juice.  So now you cannot eat anything lemon without it reminding you of cleaner and/or polish.  You’ll say things like, “Yuck, these yellow Sour Jacks taste ...

I’m still holding out.  I’m holding my ground.  I refuse to use the goofy names for cup sizes at Starbucks.  Tall = small?  Whatever.  Let’s be honest:  It’s not a “grande mocha.”  It’s a “medium enema.”  I will not argue about this.

I’ve given up trying to keep track of Gatorade’s flavors.  When Sarah goes to the grocery store I just specify a color, such as “reddish.” This week’s reddish is part of Gatorade’s “X-Factor” line of flavors.  According to the label, the bottle sitting in front of me contains a combination ...

As it turns out, there is something far worse than running into a wrinkled butt at the gym: running into Slimy Amway Guy.  For those of you who have managed to avoid Amway Guy, here’s how the Amway pitch typically goes down. (Note: I've been pitched Amway four times and am considered by many to be an expert in the field, ...

As I sit here eating Dannon's ''Fruit on the Bottom'' yogurt, I wonder. I wonder if Dannon originally wanted the fruit/yogurt combination to be more colloidal, and if their food engineers spent months trying to keep the fruit perfectly distributed within the yogurt.  I wonder if they have the most ingenious marketing manager in the ...

I've been getting a lot of e-mail about the new Wal-Mart Supercenter going up near my house.  I figured I would save myself some time and answer all of the questions publicly, FAQ-style. What is FAQ? It's an acronym for Frequently Asked Questions.  How close is the Wal-Mart Supercenter to your house? Close.  About a mile, I'd ...