thelooneys.com

I’ve always assumed that I would be too stupid to survive the Microsoft interviewing process.  In case you don’t already know, Microsoft is renowned for asking clever little logic questions during their interviews, and I am renowned for being really stupid.  Not a good combo. But then Jensen Harris linked to a list of the ...

Today is Sarah's birthday but all she has to show for it, so far, is a cake that says “Happy Birthday Susie.” We're celebrating her birthday with a dinner and a concert on Sunday, so today is mostly a non-event.  I'm even waiting until Sunday to give her the goofy birthday cards from me and the boys, since I plan on buying those cards ...

I've mentioned Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) on this website a few times, but only in passing.  Since my blog has helped me develop a webby relationship with many of you, I feel it's time for me to come clean. A little over eight years ago I attended my first meeting of AA.  That evening, for the first time in my life, I admitted to ...

This column was originally published on scout.com. On the list of the 100 greatest football players our world has ever known (maintained by a prestigious sports publication), Joe Montana is ranked 3rd. John Elway, meanwhile, is 16th. On the list of the 100 greatest athletes of the last century (maintained by the world's largest ...

From time to time my wife can be a cold, cold woman.  Especially in bed.  Now, I’m not saying that she’s an ice queen or anything, but she does like to sit on a throne and tell ice what to do. Before you get too excited, know that I’m not speaking figuratively here about emotional ...

Despite this blog being one of the best on the Internet, hardly anyone reads it.  The problem?  Well, obviously it's not the writing -- the writing is fantastic.  The problem seems to be that none of you bastards is linking to me.  With this in mind, I am excited to announce the Snack Cakes for Hyperlinks Internet Exchange ...

I have zits on the back of my head.  This is how my body has decided to age.  Instead of getting zits in normal places, I now get zits in awkward places, such as my legs, chest, and now, the back of my head.  Those cutting my hair have to shave over and around the nasty bumps, so I tip profusely, as I'm sure all guilty-feeling ...

I'm working on my first ever rap song.  Although I'm not sure if ''rap song'' is even a thing.  Should I just say ''rap?''  FYI, I'm white. Anyway, here are the lyrics I have so far: Made my stop in my mad Merced Lady to my right waves, ''Go ahead'' But it was rude so I shot her dead Filled her Taurus all full of lead With this ...

Instead of criticizing it, I’m simply going to point out a few things about the magazine sitting to my right. The magazine is titled SLY and has Sylvester Stallone on the cover.  Coincidence?  Nope.  SLY is the nicknamely-eponymous magazine created by Sylvester Stallone.  Just like Oprah, Rosie, and Martha Stewart ...

 – I don't like paying money for trees.  It seems weird.  Our planet is covered in trees, but now there are people holding baby trees hostage.  Meanwhile, only God can make a tree, and He’s not getting any of the proceeds.  So to summarize, the tree people are tearing down a rainforest each ...

Let’s play another round of “Which Way Should We Take It?” News Item: “One of Andy Warhol's 13 silkscreens of Elizabeth Taylor has sold at auction for $12.6 million.” Ways We Could Take It: Headline: Some Insane Apparently Not Homeless At All Headline: Andy Warhol Still Sucks, Still Dead, Still Raking It ...

My wife and I packed up the kids a couple of weekends ago and made our way to a ''starving artist'' art sale in Fort Collins.  These sales are a great way to find affordable art, especially art hand-painted by individuals lacking a basic understanding of perspective and proportion.  (And color.  And paint.  And ...

In a vain attempt to delay the inevitable obesity, disease, and sundry other pleasantries that come with the decaying human body, a buddy and I have been going to the gym a couple of times a week at lunchtime.  It’s been about 10 years since I last had a gym membership and -- my oh my -- things have changed. Where I would normally ...