thelooneys.com

''You would be just as married without a big fancy wedding,'' we are told.  But the thing we're never told — the thing no one ever says — is, ''That dead guy over there will be just as dead without a fancy casket.''  We don't buy the fancy caskets for the dead guy, do we?  Nope, we buy them for ourselves.  We want ...

My gym installed a new feature near the towel desk today:  A pear-shaped security guard.  I felt much safer about my locker coin transaction, for sure, but I was barely able keep the Tourette’s in line.  I nearly yelled at the women behind the counter, “In the dryer!  All of you!  I’m taking this ...

As it turns out, there is something far worse than running into a wrinkled butt at the gym: running into Slimy Amway Guy.  For those of you who have managed to avoid Amway Guy, here’s how the Amway pitch typically goes down. (Note: I've been pitched Amway four times and am considered by many to be an expert in the field, ...

In a vain attempt to delay the inevitable obesity, disease, and sundry other pleasantries that come with the decaying human body, a buddy and I have been going to the gym a couple of times a week at lunchtime.  It’s been about 10 years since I last had a gym membership and -- my oh my -- things have changed. Where I would normally ...