#1 on Google

It means something to be #1 on Google.  It’s important. Unfortunately, I'm #1 on Google for some crazy things, things I don't WANT to be #1 for.  For example, a while back I tried to avoid any more weird searches coming in by breaking up some questionable phrases, such as “Brooke Burke nud|e”.  Well, now I get all kinds of hits from people who can’t spell “nude.”  (I had no idea that word was a tricky one.)

If you really want to be #1 on Google, I bet all you have to do is write a bunch of crazy sentences that match what the crazies are searching on.  If you’re good and you guess right, I bet you blow right past the competition. 

The trick is to be both common and unique.  For example, take this sentence: Why does it hurt when I pee blood?

Boom!  See?  Someone asks Google that question tomorrow, and I’m #1! 

I think… Let’s see, I bet I will be if quotes are used.  Right now, here's what you get if you put in quotes:

So see, if they use quotes, I'll be the ONLY one!  And the number one!  Thrilling!

[Public service announcement:  If you are here because you are peeing blood, please call 911.  Whether it hurts or not, peeing blood can’t be good.  So get off the Internet, and go get some medical attention.  If you have to drive yourself and your bloody privates to "Urgent Care," then that's what you have to do.  Just go.  Now.  Bye bye.]

[Oh hey, be sure and bookmark my site before you leave!]

I love the context-sensitive power of Google.  Not only do they use it for advertisements and other non-evil things, but here they are, helping me out with my search.  Look, next to the giant red letters ("Did you mean:") they've suggested a better search.  See, that's the power of Google's technology.  Not only do their searches take a fraction of a second, but they also index the searches themselves so they can show me one that’s more popular than mine.

But wait a second... Wait just a second. 

People actually hurt when they see blood??  Wow.. that's really weird.  I wonder what that's all about.  Let’s try giving that link a try:

Doh!  Of course no one has ever written that sentence on the Internet.  How'd I get suckered into that?

But wow, look at those amazingly helpful suggestions from Google.  Aren't those wonderful?  Not the big red "Tip:" (that's pretty helpful, actually (if you know what I mean)), no, I'm talking about the giant "Suggestions:" there at the bottom.

Tell me, what kind of person is going to be helped by those suggestions?

----

INT. HAROLD'S AND MILDRED'S HOME OFFICE: NIGHT

Harold's alone at the computer.

HAROLD
   (yelling)
Hey! Everytime I hit "Search" on the Google it says the same thing.

MILDRED (O.S.)
   (yelling back)
Try different keywords!

HAROLD
What!? I don't think it's on the Internet!

MILDRED (O.S.)
I said, TRY DIFFERENT KEYWORDS!

HAROLD
Huh? I'm going to try it again!

Harold clicks.

HAROLD (CONT'D)
Nope! Still nothing! It says my search did not match any...
   (to himself)
..."documents."

MILDRED (O.S.)
Try more general keywords!

HAROLD
Hey! Are we looking for documents!?
   (to computer)
Maybe I'm on the wrong Internet.

Mildred comes in.

MILDRED
Honey. How are you spelling it?

HAROLD
Like it's spelled.

She looks over his shoulder at the screen.

MILDRED
No. There is no such thing as dotson puppies, Harold. They are dachshund. D-A-C-H-S-H-U-N-D.

Harold looks at Mildred for a moment, confused and quizzical. He looks back at the screen.

HAROLD
I don't think I want one anymore.

----

[Public service announcement: There is no such thing as a dotson puppy.  It's dachshund. Quit coming to this site looking for dotson puppies.  We only have Alan dotsons here.  Now leave.]

[Oh hey, be sure and bookmark my site before you leave!]

Finally, we need to talk about one more thing on that results page: That creepy logo in the top left corner. 

The first time I saw that logo, it was weird.  It just happened to resemble what I was searching for...

 So I thought, “Wow, maybe Google has made their logos context-sensitive too! How cool!!!”

I quickly tried another random search:

And Google gave me another context-sensitive logo that, again, matched almost PERFECTLY!  Can you believe it!?

But then I thought that maybe that logo looked kinda familiar.  So I tried another random search:

Hmm.  That logo TOO looks familiar.  So I had to try something I knew wouldn't work:

And that's when I knew it.  It must not be a context-sensitive logo.  Because that logo's not stupid at all.

Oh well.