Last Look at the Weather

Don’t ask me how I know this, but somewhere around 10:45 each night our local WB station runs a feature called “Last Look at the Weather.”  I don’t like this feature.

First, it’s not my last look at the weather.  It’s my only look at the weather.  I learned years ago that I don’t need to keep up with the weather since every human being I come into contact with is a walking, talking five day forecast.  If I’m ever curious, I can turn my head in any direction at any time and ask, “Whence comes this chill?”  Or, “Is it about to rain on my head?” And I’ll get a response.  Often it’s a multi-faceted response, like, “Yesterday they said sunny, but last night they said cloudy, and now they’re saying partly cloudy with a chance of sun, turning into rain and hellfire.”

Actually, I don’t know what all they say.  I drift off halfway through any explanation because, really, I don’t care.  I’m inside all day. This is the nature of my pathetic, computer-bound existence.  On any given day, I spend maybe 30 seconds out of doors.  I might not be Superman, but I’m fairly certain I can handle 30 seconds of whatever our climate dishes out.  Especially if I spread those 30 seconds out into intervals, intervals I call “walking from my car” and “walking to my car.” 

When on the rare occasion I do catch a televised forecast, I regret it.  They’re annoying.  The news people know the entire population is weather-obsessed, so they tease us with little weather hints throughout the newscast.  “Looks like tomorrow will be the same as today, with one MAJOR difference!  I’ll have the full forecast at 10:23!” [1]

Worse, when they finally get around to the weather segment proper, 90% of it is spent on what happened today.  Now tell me, who, exactly, is looking forward to this part of the show?  Is anyone shocked that it was two degrees warmer five miles down the road?  Doesn’t that happen every day?  Are there groups of people gambling on these numbers or something?  And what am I to make of all the giant maps of our country, with “jet streams” and “pressure systems” and temperatures that have already happened?  Is there going to be a quiz? 

Listen, news people of the earth, unless you have a photograph of ten identical clouds, all in a line, all resembling James Spader, I DON’T CARE what happened in the weather today.  I lived it.  I was there.  I may have been inside all day, sure, but if your goal is to taunt, please, keep it brief.  Just say, “Those of you who stayed inside today really screwed the pooch!”  Or, “Those of you who had to work outside today, well, I bet you wish you knew how to use computers now, DON’T YA?”

As for the only “actionable” part of the broadcast – the part where they tell you whether you should cancel tomorrow’s picnic in the park – they blow right past that.  It’s an afterthought.  Only after Mr. Suit And Tennis Shoes has spent ten or so minutes at the giant green wall (telling you about today) will he saunter back to his desk and casually mention, on his way, what might happen tomorrow.  Meanwhile, a grid pops up showing seven days of highs, lows, suns, and clouds… only you’re so distracted trying to figure out why the sun on Wednesday was crying, you miss it. 

And that’s how they get you. 

See, if weather forecasts could be trusted, we wouldn’t have twenty forecasters in every city.  Think about it.  Does each local station really need its own weather department?  Its own custom software and maps?  Its own NEXRAD?  Should you make any decision in your life based on what some woman who majored in Communications (at Podunk U.) thinks of a satellite map?

Which brings me back to the “Last Look at the Weather” feature I hate so much.  I hate it because (1) I don’t like weather forecasts in general, and (2) I don’t need to know which of The WB's “Looks” at the weather this is.  Trust me, good people of The WB, I wasn’t tuned to your station for your frequent and accurate weather updates.  You can go home for the evening without telling me.  I don’t mind. 

I’ll be fine for the next seven hours without a weather update from The WB. 

Just fine.

——

[1] The major difference you waited 15 minutes for?  “Tomorrow never comes,” chuckles the portly and soon-to-be-slain forecaster.