I Really Am In Minneapolis Today
British Phil and I are in Minneapolis this week for some hacker training.
You can tell which one of us has hacked your web server by studying the politeness and grammar of the messages we leave behind. Phil's messages are along the lines of, "I've compromised your site, as you do, and taken the piss out of your configuration files. I rode the lift this morning." Mine, on the other hand, are more like, "Elmo was here pooping in your lawn. And then Elmo left behind another surprise gift for you: poop on your lawn! By the way, you should check your lawn for Elmo poop. Because I'm pretty sure I just saw Elmo poop on your lawn. Poopie poopie poop! I took an elevator."
This is only my second trip to Minneapolis and I've enjoyed the town immensely both times. Here are 16 random observations from a guy who has spent a grand total of six or seven days here:
1) It's cold. You probably knew this, but did you also know that Jeff Bridges and Jeff Daniels are different people? Well, they are, and as a guy who has a home at 5,000 feet, trust me when I say you need a jacket in Minnesota in February.
2) Minnesota's nickname is "Land of 10,000 Lakes." As you fly in, you can see why. There are a lot of lakes. All of them are frozen solid, of course, since it's cold enough here to freeze Han Solo. I've been trying to make friendly with the locals by inserting lake-related comments like, "Oh, I'd say that guy's a hectare or two short of a lake. He's a total pond!" Or I'll break the ice with questions along the lines of, "So, do you ice fish? Really? How do you catch ice? What do ice eat? How do you like your ice cooked? Can I huddle with you for warmth?"
3) Minnesotans are tall. I happen to be 5 feet and 11 inches of pure muscle, and in most parts of the country this makes me average. Not here. In Minnesota I'm the little guy whose head you pat when he says something cute. At the Timberwolves game last night I was carded twice -- once for popcorn and once for nachos. (In the lady's defense, I did order extra jalapeños.)
British Phil and I have been debating how to explain the noticeable difference in height out here. We've come up with a several competing theories.
a) From what we've learned from the sports mascots, this area was originally settled by Scandinavian Vikings who were too big, strong, and stupid to know that things get warmer the farther south you go. No one else comes up here to live, on account of the fact that the human body freezes at low temperature, so you have a fairly pure bloodline of tall ignorant people.
b) Tall people can climb out of a hole in the ice easier than short people.
c) Tall people's heads stay warmer (because warm air rises and they're closer to the sun and whatnot) so they have an evolutionary advantage.
d) The airplane ride shrunk us. By the time we get home we will be like Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman. (I'm Danny.)
e) The taller people eat the shorter people because it is too cold in the winters to risk a trip to the grocery store.
4) Minneapolis is a really cool city. Downtown has some beautiful architecture (a nice blend of old and new), skyways everywhere, and one of those "silent killer" light rails (a must for any modern city). The "Uptown" area is eclectic and engaging, although I'm not entirely sure what that means. And down by the airport there's a giant shopping mall with parking garages that swallow cars whole.
5) There are a surprising number of fine-looking women here. Not that I've noticed, personally, of course, but British Phil keeps saying things like, "Wow, aren't you surprised how many skinny and pretty ladies there are here?" To which I respond, "No, Satan, I hadn't noticed. Hey, how about you walk behind me. Satan."
6) Even the finest of Minnesotan ladies knows how to stack a bowl of pork at the local Mongolian barbecue joint. I'm used to the place in Boulder, CO, where women bring their own chunks of recycled tofu for a light grilling. Up here they burn so many calories shivering and nearly dying that, apparently, they work up a real appetite. I haven't seen so many pork obelisks in one line since, well, ever. [Feel free to go ahead and insert your own pork obelisk joke here.]
7) It's so cold here that Antarctica called and they want my nipples back.
8) I am now a Ricky Davis fan. I don't really follow the NBA anymore (for all the same reasons you don't) and so I had no idea who Ricky Davis was before this trip. He's a Timberwolf and, man, that guy can play some ball. He's one of those players who brings it on every play, and whose presence completely changes the game. If every team in the league had a couple of Ricky Davises, no one would care what clothes the players wore to the arenas or whether traveling should be legal in professional basketball. He pushes the ball on offense, plays dogged defense, and can put the ball DOWN. I could give a rat's ass about a Wolves/Cavs game, but after Ricky reached back and grabbed a crappy alley-oop pass with one hand and put in the face of a couple of Cavs, I popped up and shouted like someone had just stolen my children.
This made it frustrating later, of course, when my children were stolen by wolves and no one noticed.
9) LeBron James might be overrated. I've seen him twice in the past two weeks, and I haven't been impressed. Phil and I think maybe he should have chosen a different jersey number than 23. He's more like an 18 right now.
10) MINNEAPOLIS is just too many letters. Even the locals agree — the abbreviation "Mpls" is used everywhere. Normally I would complain about such a stupid-looking abbreviation, but these people have frozen fingers six months of the year. I'm not going to start pointing my toasty warm Denver fingers at anyone.
11) The Mississippi River runs through Minneapolis, Minnesota. Try typing that twelve times fast. Now try it with frozen hands and a tall guy gnawing on the back of your neck.
12) Minnesotans are Minnesotans. By that I mean, there seem to be fewer racial cliques here than other places I've traveled. Of course, I'm making a lot of assumptions based on just a few days experience, but Minnesotans seem genuinely nice and pleasant. They seem honest and non-judgemental. I guess that's what happens when you're trying to avoid angering the tall frozen people who want to eat you.
13) Many people here have strong Minnesotan accents. I KNOW, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?? WILL THE WONDERS EVER CEASE?
14) New cars are nice. We rented a Toyota Camry that had 7 miles on it when we left the airport lot. It now has close to 70. We are responsible for increasing the mileage on this car by a factor of 10. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about this, but I do.
The car has a sunroof, which is a pretty cool feature downtown. You can look up at the buildings as you drive into the back of the truck in front of you. The truck with the giant lettering that says, "Life is a VIRGIN because if it were a BITCH it would be to [sic] easy." (Not only is there a misspelling in this professionally printed decal, but it makes no sense. What's "easy" about a bitch? Frankly, I'd rather be around virgins all day. And I will now stop talking about this subject.)
15) My family isn't here and I miss them. This situation isn't helped at all by my final observation:
16) British Phil doesn't like to cuddle.