Yes, No, and Aw Hell No

“Outlook has automatically saved a draft of this message.  Do you want to keep it?”

The question seems innocent, but it’s not.  You started an e-mail message in Microsoft Outlook, then thought better of it, and now Microsoft Outlook is going to make you pay.

If you answer “Yes” to the question Outlook adds an “unread” item to your Drafts folder.  This is fine, I guess, even though the big “Save” button will do the same trick.

If you say “No,” on the other hand, your life begins to unravel at its seams.  First, Outlook adds an “unread” item to your Deleted Items folder, which is bothersome to those of us who typically read our messages before deleting them.  It is also a lie, since I’m assuming all users read the messages they type, you know, as they are typing them.  But the real kicker is, if you decide to open Deleted Items and read the “unread” item, you will find that it is NOT the most recent version of the e-mail.  It’s whatever version Outlook happened to save last. 

Ahh, Outlook.

To tell the truth, Outlook and I have always had a stormy relationship.  In the past we’ve had throw-down arguments about things like the proper way to compose HTML messages, the availability of certain sizes of the Verdana font, and its cryptically crappy Options window (first tab: Preferences).  But due to circumstances beyond my control I am married to Outlook, and like all long marriages, we’ve managed to find ways of tolerating one another.

But I fantasize constantly about divorce.  Recently Outlook tried to add gridlines to my preview pane, and worse, that biotch refused to tell me how to get rid of them.  Around that same time it also tried to convince me that I would prefer a “three column view” chock full of irrelevant information.  Only through a series of easter egg-like maneuvering was I able to return a sense of order back into my life, mere minutes before the white coats carried me to a battered-husbands shelter.

But I know for certain that divorce is not an option.  Outlook is my arranged bride, and if I like my paycheck I will keep my mouth shut and start kicking out grandbab— err, e-mails.  And to be honest, I’ve fooled around a bit on the side with things like Thunderbird, but beyond the initial rush of “Wow this is so different than my wife!” I’ve been largely unsatisfied.  My only hope is to change my wife into something less annoying, and unless you work for the maker of your wife, this is next to impossible. (Yes, I’m still speaking of Outlook.)

I will now go “read” all of the “unread” items in my Deleted Items folder, like a good and faithful husband should.