Keep This Man Away From Your Children

According to this Oddly Enough! article from Reuters, Jay Leno is releasing a book for children titled How to be the Funniest Kid in the Whole Wide World (or Just in Your Class). 

I will now point out several things that are so obvious they hardly need pointing out. 

The opening joke in the Reuters article is "Why can't an elephant ever be on the radio? Answer: He would break it."  If that joke is really in the book, I hereby nominate a new title: How To Look Stupid and Never Get Dates and Annoy Humankind. 

Let's break this joke down and see if we can figure out why it sucks.  First, it's not funny.  Second, the opening, "Why can't an elephant ever be…," is so awkward that it's practically a tongue-twister.  Worse, it's an absurd and false dilemma; elephants can be on the radio.  The next time a tsunami hits an island with elephants, just tune in to NPR.  I guarantee they'll give you a solid thirty seconds of elephant groans to set the mood.

As for the crux of the joke -- pulling a sleight of hand with "on the radio" -- I think we can do better.  If you actually want to get a laugh from a group of kids, I say inject some cruelty.  For example, look at the most popular kid in the group and say, "You know why yo mama could never be on the radio?  Cuz she'd break it, that's why.  Ain't no radio built that could handle that big butt.  In fact, if yo mama tried to get on a radio, the poor radio would just, wa-thump!, disappear.  All yo' mama's friends would be like, 'Woman, did you eat Corey Flintoff?  Cuz all your farts sound like they sayin' "I'm Corey Flintoff."'"

Okay okay, I know: Jay Leno isn't about to give kids a "yo mama" joke involving butts and farts.  But still, the misdirection is much more powerful with a less absurd question.  For instance, you could go with, "Have you ever heard an elephant on the radio?  It sounds like this: [insert hilarious radio smashing sound and the muffled voice of Corey Flintoff here]."  Or maybe you could change the premise a little to be more along the lines of, "I'm so forgetful that I would forget my third arm if it weren't attached.  [beat] Holy crap!  Where's my third arm?? HAS ANYONE SEEN MY THIRD ARM???"  (But maybe I'm changing too much in that version.)

According to the article, "Leno said he finds that many youngsters are natural performers who lack good material or an outlet to develop their talents."  But according to me, Jay Leno is a naturally horrible performer who lacks good material, yet has been given a very prominent outlet to not develop his talents.  So I'm not sure I can say that I think this book is a good idea.  Do we really want a bunch of young Lenos running around, making the most obvious jokes and puns possible? 

And here's Jay on his target audience:  "I kind of wrote this book for all the kids who really couldn't[sic] throw a ball.  In schools nowadays, with all the programs being cut, unless you're doing sports, there's[sic] very few ways for kids to express themselves." 

So Leno's way of helping kids with no innate wit (nor skills, nor looks, apparently) is to give them a book of un-funny Leno* jokes?  I mean, even if the jokes worked and the loser kid gained a bit of popularity, wouldn't the kid be worse-off in the long run?  Wouldn't his life start revolving around trying to remember other people's jokes, remembering to whom he's told the jokes, etc.?  And what about the effects on society?  I mean, if a hit book like this had come out fifteen years ago, we wouldn't have the Internet today.  Being unpopular is what drives the losers back into their rooms to play with open source compilers and ASCII art.  As a computer guy let me assure you, society needs losers.  We depend on them.

But I suppose now I'm the one creating false dilemmas.  There's no way this book has anything funny in it.  I mean, just look: "'Luckily, when I was a kid, Ritalin hadn't been invented yet,' Leno joked in a recent interview with Reuters."  Does Reuters really think that's a joke?  Really??  What about: "'Unfortunately, when I was a young woman, abortion hadn't been invented yet,' Leno's mother said, tearfully apologetic, in a recent interview with Reuters."

Finally, and somewhat tangentially, I need to tell you that Jay Leno was on Inside the Actors Studio recently and that, ladies and gentlemen, this episode is a must see.  Not for Leno, of course, but for the show's host, James Lipton.  To open the show James Lipton tries to do a couple of minutes of stand-up.  (Read that last sentence again.)  THEN, Lipton has the gall to ask Leno to critique it.  THEN Leno, just being polite, says something like "B-" or "C", even though every human being in attendance knows that the correct answer is "F-" or "Incomplete" or "Permanently and Irrevocably Expelled."  THEN Lipton acts hurt.  THEN Lipton continues to bring up how low his grade was, while the audience squirms.

That, my friends, is comedy.

* Hat tip: Tautology