Ding Dong, The Witch Melted
The snack cakes for hyperlinks program
is picking up steam. We’re nowhere near a full head of steam,
mind you, but the first signs of a boil have appeared. Speaking
of which, I had boils once, and I found the home remedy of treating
them with water vapor to be way too confusing. By the
end of the treatment I was more steamed than my boils,
and worse, my arms had burns all around the boils, thanks to the
boiling water. In hindsight, I really should have gotten hives
instead. I’d much rather mess with bees.
But I digress. I want to talk to you today about Ding Dongs,
since these are the snack cakes I’ve decided to send to the first batch
of program participants. The Ding Dong has a long and checkered
history. (Speaking of which, I played checkers once with Ding
Dongs — my opponent had Sno Balls — but I’ll leave that story for
later.) What you probably don’t know about the Ding Dong is that,
when it was invented in the mid-1700’s, its shape was a slender
cylinder, not unlike the modern Ho-Ho. However, the phallic
nature of the snack cake led to unsavory jokes about its creme-filled
center, and eventually children on playgrounds began referring to
certain body parts as “ding dongs.” In reaction, the maker of the
cake, Woman Who Seats Thee, Inc., changed the shape to the more
disc-like cylinder that we know today. When the company
reorganized six years later (and changed it’s name to Hostess), they
tried to appease fans of the former shape by re-introducing it, this
time under the name “Ho-Ho.” And when people started using that
term to describe duos of snack-cake loving prostitutes, the new company
decided not to overreact as they had before. Thus, we have Ding
Dongs and Ho-Hos to this day. And Sno Balls.
I chose Ding Dongs for their relative sturdiness, resistance to
melting, and white wrapper. (To answer your
question, I’m not sure why the Ding Dong has
a white wrapper when nearly every other cake has a clear
one. I’d certainly like to find out, but for some reason Hostess
has stopped returning my calls.)
The first wave of Ding Dong recipients includes these kind souls
who, right now, are probably regretting their decision to participate:
Also, I’m grandfathering a couple of people into the program, such as Jeremy Wright (feed) and Phil Etchell (feed). After all, what says “thank you” better than a mailed snack cake?
In the coming days I will post pictures of all manners of snack cake tomfoolery. It’s not too late for you to join the fun. Send a link this way, send your address my way, and I’ll send some chocolatey goodness your way!
Program details