About That Dead Dog of Yours

 – I don't like paying money for trees.  It seems weird.  Our planet is covered in trees, but now there are people holding baby trees hostage.  Meanwhile, only God can make a tree, and He’s not getting any of the proceeds.  So to summarize, the tree people are tearing down a rainforest each minute, charging me $200 per twig, and stealing from God.  Yeah.  Say hi to Stalin for me. 

 - I don't like the fake backgrounds at places like Olan Mills.  Reading a book might make you look smart, but standing in front of pretend books makes you look stupid.  If you are not a book owner, do not try to fake me out.  

 – I don’t like the look the woman at the plant store gave me when I asked if she had anything that would poison a large dog.  I mean, for all she knew I have a large dog that I want to keep poison-free.  

 – I don't like it when people say "Holding down the fort!"  Or, "Another day in paradise!"  Or, "'Tis the season!"  If you don't feel like giving me an earnest answer when I ask "How’s it going?" then just say, "I'm not telling you."  I’m fine with that response.

 – I don't like fancy restaurants.  Why pay extra for dim lighting, a demeaning waiter, and wine that’s cheaper at the store?  And why are there so many fancy Chinese restaurants now?  Is white rice endangered?  Is there a feline shortage?

 – I don't like people who use chopsticks at Chinese restaurants. If you think chopsticks are useful, you need to be morally and ethically consistent and use them everywhere, no matter the decor on the wall.  If a chopstick is better for a wonton, it's better for a McDonald's french fry, I say.   

 – I don't like abortion.  Wow, that just made you uncomfortable, didn't it?  Even if you don't like abortion either (and really, who LIKES abortion?), you just got all tense and worried that I was going to say something divisive.  Don't worry, I'm not.  I'm just not a fan.  Of abortion.

 – I don’t like this keyboard.  Luckily, it is too stupid to know what I just typed.

 – I don't like being told, "smell this."  Notice that people never ask if you want to smell something — it’s always an imperative.  But nothing good comes from a “smell this” encounter.  Even good smells get sickening after a while, and those of you who feel compelled to share bad smells are just mean.  So I think I’m going to start carrying around a brown bag with a prickly sea urchin in it.  That way, when people tell me “smell this,” I can hold the bag out and say, “No, dude.  I’ve got this brown bag.” 

 – I don't like Black History Month.  Wow!  You're uncomfortable again!  I'm just saying that it's weird.  Is it too long?  Most other causes only get a day.  Is it too short?  Well, February is the shortest month of the year.  Is it fair?  I don’t know.  After all, I don’t see Uzbekistani History Hour on my calendar.  I also don’t see numbers.  Wait a second… this isn’t a calendar at all.  WTF AMERICA??? 

 – I don’t like buying a mix for something like salsa.  Chips and salsa is my “taking it easy” meal.  Let’s not bring cooking into this. 

 – I don't like that the Star Trek people think that "Warp Nine" (note: 8.1 more warps than physically possible) is more attainable than a cure for baldness.  Or was Captain Jean-Luc McHyphen using a cloaking device for his hair?  (For those of you who don’t know, by “cloaking device” the Star Trek people mean “make invisible device.”  I bring this up because in the real world, most people will read “cloaking device” and think of it by its more casual name: “blanket.”)

 – I don’t like tipping for coffee.  I pay five dollars a cup now, so I can’t afford the tip.  So I give applause instead.  Hand me the coffee man, and I will give you a hand.  You are doing amazing work here.

 – I don't like it when people feel the need to exaggerate when they stay home sick.  They send e-mails like: "It is with deep regret that I must cancel today's status meeting.  I've fallen quite ill with the coughing and wheezing and would like to spend my waning hours surrounded by family and friends. [paragraph] Let's try to meet tomorrow at 2:00."  Look man, unless what you’ve got is coming by the office later today to eat us, why don’t you keep it to yourself?  Either say, “Out sick” or “Flesh-eating nano-monster.”  Everything else is unnecessary.

 – I don't like getting sucked into a movie on cable when I own that same movie on DVD.  But I do it all the time.  I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I’m afraid of the commitment associated with inserting a DVD.  I’d rather sit extremely still and put up with the commercials and chopped-and-cropped scenes.  But then a lot of times, when the movie’s about 3/4 through, I’ll go to the bathroom and forget what I was doing.  My point: I forgot my point.  I’m in the bathroom.

 – I don't like that Microsoft Money just asked me if it should set up "Best Buy" as a recurring transaction.  Maybe this is a sign that I need to chill on the digitalia for a while. (Or maybe Microsoft Money should mind its own business and stop making value judgments and snide little sarcastic remarks.)

 – I don’t like people who mock my habit of eating Ding Dongs with Fresca without trying it for themselves.  Remember this, people: “We mock that which we do not understand.”  And then also remember this: “Ding Dongs and Fresca is GOOD!!!”  

 – I don’t like where I’m getting pimples nowadays.  I prefer my pimples to be in plain sight.  Otherwise, pimple, I might not get to pop you.  

 – I don't like the "steak" they serve at Applebee's.  From now on, let's all use air quotes when ordering "steak" at Applebee's.  Whaddya say?  Can you imagine if AIR QUOTES changed the policy of a huge company like Applebee's!?  Come on, blogosphere!  Let's do it!

 – I don’t like people who mix their metaphors.  It’s like having your cake and a simile too. 

 - I don't like the photos of rock bands that they put in CDs.  Am I supposed to like you because you had the nerve to cross a desert in a black trench coat?  Or because you’re standing in a dilapidated room with only a wooden chair and a light bulb?  Look, just stand in front of the Loaded Bookcase background at Olan Mills and smile awkwardly, like the rest of us.

 – I don’t like it when people tell me that I’m blocking a fire exit.  As if I’m not going to run.  Look, if you are flammable and you have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.*

* Mitch Hedberg, 1968–2005.