Relative University

Our universe is governed by laws, many of which we don’t fully understand.  Today I want to consider the following immutable and irrefutable laws of universal relativity:

 1) My child is cuter than yours
 2) You do not agree with me

I believe these laws to be true despite the utter fright I felt when our first kid came sliding out.  I wasn’t aware that newborn babies were slimy, misshapen, pug-like beings (with black, soulless eyes) and I remember wondering, “Would that thing look any different if it were a creature from outer space?"  But at some point over the next few weeks my brain was scrubbed and scrambled by the baby of questionable origin.  Before I’d had a full-night’s sleep, Alien Baby had become the new measuring stick for human perfection. 

From what I can tell, these laws hold true even for parents of really odd-looking children.  Our friends Tom and Alice, for instance, have a child with a forehead the size of Nebraska.  Worse, the kid's face is such that I'm not sure how they avoid diapering the wrong end of him.  Anyway, they don't see the giant forehead.  Instead, they see every other child in the world as having a freakishly-small forehead.  At restaurants they can be overheard having conversations like:

"Oh my, look at that poor baby over there!"

"Yikes.  He hardly has a head at all!"

"They better get a special hat made for him.  Or he’ll be made fun of at school."

"I don't think school will be a problem for him.  There's no room for brain up there!"

"I wonder if he has a touch of the palsy.  Does the palsy do that to people's heads?  I bet it's the palsy."

"I don't know.  All I can say is: Thank goodness we have a normal baby."

"Yes."

"Tommy, sit down.  And quit boiling water with your mind.  Now." 

I'd like to think that, somehow, we could rise above the universe and change these laws.  That we could simply know in our hearts that our children are never perfect, but always deserving of love.  That we could agree that ALL of our children are cute. 

But that's not happening.  So give that ugly kid of yours a hug for me.