The Flamers of Yore

I've been getting a lot of e-mail asking about my various flamethrower-defeating inventions… 

Here's the thing: If you were a teenager in the 1980's and the Secretary of Defense asked for your assistance in defeating an army of evildoers, what weapons would you have chosen?  Why, a flamethrower and some throwing stars, of course.  As far as we knew back then, these were the most wicked weapons known to man.

What I've come to realize over the years, however, is that a flamethrower would be worthless in nearly any battle scenario.  You have to wear an explosive backpack, your flames only shoot out so far, and you have to be really good at guessing where your target is going to be in a second or two.  You would be defeated easily by almost any other weapon, such as a pistol, a fire extinguisher, a well-slung stone, a quick-footed head-bonker, etc.  Probably the only weapon you could defend yourself against would be the throwing star, but only idiots go into battle with throwing stars. 

You could, of course, light buildings on fire pretty quickly, but then you’d have to try to escape with that giant, explosive backpack riding you.  And since everybody always knows where the guy with the flamethrower is, you’d probably be shot dead by sentries.

In summary, if I were the man Al Pacino was five years ago, I would be much shorter.