Amway Steak Money

As it turns out, there is something far worse than running into a wrinkled butt at the gym: running into Slimy Amway Guy. 

For those of you who have managed to avoid Amway Guy, here’s how the Amway pitch typically goes down. (Note: I've been pitched Amway four times and am considered by many to be an expert in the field, so I’ll provide some tips along the way, too.)

Step 1:  Amway Guy, with whom you’ve never made so much as eye contact, starts a random and forced conversation, ostensibly about something you have in common.  If you happen to be standing in a checkout lane with a bottle of nectarine shampoo, for instance, Amway Guy will tell you much he loves the smell of nectarine in the morning.

Expert Tip:  Even if you respond with a polite joke such as, "It smells like… victory," Amway Guy won't get it.  This is your first sign that something is amiss.

Step 2:  Amway Guy asks, "Do you like money?" 

Expert Tip: There's nothing you can do here.  I've tried answering "Yes," "Not really," "Hate it," and "Not as much as I like punching the human head."  But nothing short of a lightning bolt from the heavens will prevent Step 3 from coming to be. 

Step 3:  You receive a short, cryptic description of a distribution system that: 
   (A) Saves you, your family, your friends, and all casual bystanders lots of money on products you already buy.
   (B) Makes you lots of money.
   (C) Requires very little effort on your part.

Expert Tip: The fact that these three things cannot co-exist in our universe is something Amway Guy expects you to ignore.  While I realize it might be difficult, I highly recommend playing along for a while.  In fact, I try my best to not talk at all during this step.  At the very least, I stay away from the words "pyramid," "powdered soap," "mathematics," "logic," and "You can really beat Wal-Mart?  Wow." 

Step 4: Your reward for resisting the fight-or-flight response is: The Business Card. 

Expert Tip:  Look closely at the card:    

• Shiny.  You’ll have to trust me, but this card has a very glossy front with very gold embossing.  It makes one think "Trump Tower."  Also, "The crappy brass fixtures in my house."  Either way, it's shiny.
• New World Enterprises & Associates.  See, this is a new world Don has created, and it has both enterprises (plural!) and associates (plural!).  Golly, if only I could find a way to meet the leader of this new world…
• Don P. Xxxx, President.  Hey look, it’s the leader!  Imagine!  Incidentally, I wonder how much extra the "vertically-centered name and title" service runs at the ol' business card shoppe. 
• IBO 950###.  Mysterious.  Why does The Very President of a company made up of both enterprises AND associates have this cryptic number on his card?  Is IBO the new ICQ or something?  Is he a registered child molester?  Maybe the New World has communication devices that employ six digit numbers for addressing?  In any case: Exciting!
• An e-mail address.  That can be traced back to Amway in two clicks.  ("I can name that MLM scheme in two clicks, Tom." [crowd gasps])
• No direct line, just a voicemail number.  If I knew how to make suitable recordings of telephone conversations, trust me: this site would host an MP3 file of this voicemail for you.  Alas, the world I occupy is quite old, and not all that enterprisey.

Step 5:  You are invited to discuss this fantastic business opportunity over an inexpensive snack, such as coffee. 

Expert Tip: This is where you need to turn on the aggression.  Look, if you take this meeting, Amway Guy will become your worst nightmare.  He will call you, send you motivational tapes, date your daughter, and inexplicably show up as a signer on your money market savings account.  So you either need to prevent the meeting from ever taking place (the safe choice), or try and get an overpriced steak dinner out of the deal (my personal choice). 

Keep in mind, Amway Guy is probably down a few thousand dollars on this scheme, so the last thing he wants to do is buy people steak dinners.  But here's an approach that worked for me recently:

"Don, I do love making money.  And I happen to be in between enterprises right now, if you know what I mean.  But I have a rule: I only talk business over steak.  And lobster.  And wine from the 1960's.  I figure, if a man wants me to invest in him and his associates, he can buy me a steak dinner.  Whaddya say, Don?"

There will be hemming, hawing, and gnashing of teeth, but if you show that you are prepared to walk away, a free steak dinner may well be yours. 

Step 6: A steak dinner, with lobster, and wine from the 1960's. 

Expert Tip: The remaining work — how to make sure Amway Guy pays for the steak, how to tell him “no” in a so-firm-it’s-almost-a-death-threat manner, how to protect your identity and social security number, whether to invite the attorney general of your state to dinner with you, and whether to stage an intervention and save this poor guy's life — is left as an exercise for the reader.