The Center of All Things Super

I've been getting a lot of e-mail about the new Wal-Mart Supercenter going up near my house.  I figured I would save myself some time and answer all of the questions publicly, FAQ-style.

What is FAQ?
It's an acronym for Frequently Asked Questions. 

How close is the Wal-Mart Supercenter to your house?
Close.  About a mile, I'd say.

How large is the Supercenter going to be?
Large.

Will it be large enough to be seen by orbiting spacecraft?
I'm not sure.

Will you shop there?
The wife has already vowed that she won't, but this is crazy talk.  The nearest Target is quite small and very across town.  We probably won't buy our groceries at Wal-Mart, but I'm sure we'll buy something there. 

How will this affect your drive to work?
It depends on where they put the entrance, stop lights, etc.  But I'm thinking the effect will be similar to taking a classic work of art -- say, a Monet -- and lighting it on fire. 

How will this affect the value of your home?
Until we see what else is built on that same road and how traffic is handled, it's hard to say.  My best guess is that the effect will be similar to taking a classic work of art -- a Monet, for instance -- and lighting it on fire.

Will it be pretty?
This is Colorado, so I'm sure Wal-Mart is required to put some "olde towne" façade on it.  But, based on past experience, the interior will most likely involve ugly tile, migraine-inducing fluorescent lighting, and an "open" ceiling.  So, my prediction is that the exterior will make me wish I lived there, while the transition inside will be similar to taking a classic work of art -- a Monet, maybe -- and lighting it on fire.

How does the new Wal-Mart Supercenter fit into the Master Plan for your city?
Let's say you have a classic piece of art.  Really classic.  Like a Monet.  Let's say you like this painting a lot.  So much, in fact, that you keep your painting in a large vault.  But, let's also say that you're occasionally frugal, and you didn't spring for the built-in sprinkler system (you plan on putting one in yourself).  Now let's say that I walked into your vault and lit your Monet on fire.

Will the workers be unionized?
I'm not sure.  By the way, I think you just got fired for asking that question. 

What does your town need more than a Supercenter?
Great question.  Well, a Best Buy for starters.  Maybe a Lowe's.  A bigger Target, I'd say.  And really, before I built a Supercenter, I'd probably build a Barnes & Noble, an open sewer, and/or a fine art incinerator.  And a Steak-n-Shake.

On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about the new Supercenter being built near your house?
I really can't narrow it down that precisely.

On a scale of 1-5, how excited are you about the new Supercenter being built near your house?
I’d say 3.5.