One Step Sideways, One Step Down

My wife and I watched an entire movie last night, in the very movie theatre itself (emphasis mine).  Unless you are the parent of young children and have nary a sitter, you can't understand how exciting this kind of thing can be. 

We chose Sideways, a charming film about two middle-aged men who drive a beat-up Saab into Santa Barbara's wine country the week before one of the men’s wedding and I’ve just lost interest in my own paragraph. 

We enjoyed the movie, but since we hadn't been to a theatre in a while, even the lobby was enjoyable.  On the way in, we were pleasantly transfixed by a display for Mr. and Mrs. Smith, which stars Brad Pitt(!), Angelina Jolie(!), their 27 square miles of lip(!), and Vince Vaughn(!!!). 

Gunplay appears to be involved.  Vince Vaughn is in it.  Doug Liman (Swingers, Go, Bourne Identity) is directing.  Somehow, I had managed to miss the news that all good things on earth were getting together to make a movie, and apparently, so had everyone else; I didn't see a single person camped out for tickets.  Then it struck me: I could be the first one in line.

The other displays in the lobby didn't do as much for me.  For instance, Halle Berry's voice will soon be starring in an animated film about robots (called, I believe, Robots).  This news is exciting for those whose undying love of Halle Berry is based on her acting skills first, her speaking voice second, and her used-to-be-a-supermodel looks somewhere way after second.  Unfortunately, I guess I'm not one of those people.

And then we saw “it”:  The display that nearly ruined our night.  It was an advertisement for the movie Guess Who.  What is Guess Who?  Why, it's an in-law comedy starring Ashton Kutcher and Bernie Mac. 

Yes, you read that right.

Someone thought it would be a good idea to remake Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner (which starred Sidney Poitier, Katharine Hepburn, and Spencer Tracy) with Bernie Mac and Ashton Kutcher. 

They advertised it on a giant piece of cardboard next to the popcorn. 

Everyone in the lobby tried to pretend the sign wasn't there.  Each person who entered the concession queue would glance at the ad just long enough to realize what was going on, snap their head back forward, and widen their eyes further than the hilarious Bernie Mac could ever hope to.  One guy started muttering to himself -- it may have been a religious chant.  Another guy stood in front of his friend, who had not yet seen the sign, and said, "Remember Happy Gilmore?  That was a funny movie.  Let's skip the popcorn.  We're gonna miss the trailer for the new flavor of Pepsi."  When his friend protested, all the man could do was step aside and let his friend feel the acute awkwardness that the rest of us were already feeling.

I hate awkward situations, so, I did what I always do: I started talking.  I wondered aloud if, somewhere out there, Denise Richards and Julia Stiles were rounding up the other two Horses of the Apocalypse.  Nothing.  I asked my wife, in an even louder tone, "Do you think they got Brett Ratner to direct?"  But she didn't answer.  She wouldn't even look at me.  Now everyone in the lobby was treating me with the same cold, distant reproach with which they had been treating the sign.

So, we quietly bought our popcorn and watched Sideways. 

Great movie.  About halfway in, the main character finally starts to relax when talking to the waitress he likes.  They are talking about wine, of course, and I've just lost interest again. 

Sorry.