Hollywood and One Wonderful Woman

With folks in Hollywood having so much fun with superhero movies lately, they are probably asking themselves, "Should we make a Wonder Woman movie?"  Allow me to answer: 

No.  No, Hollywood, you most definitely should not make a movie about Wonder Woman. 

Let's look at the problems: 

The invisible jet. 
The last James Bond movie (which may or may not have been farcical) tried to pawn an invisible car off on us, but at least the Bond car wasn't invisible on the inside, and at least things inside the car (people, coffee cups, etc.) couldn't be seen from the outside.  The Wonder Jet (Improperly Placed Side Note: To actually research the topic of Wonder Woman seems somewhat less-than-cool, so I'll be abstaining from all research and making up my own names from here on out.  So, the jet is called The Wonder Jet, and that is that.  We now return you to your regularly scheduled sentence, already in progress…), on the other hand, does not have these features.  If memory serves, the interior of the jet is invisible, and Wonder Woman could be seen from the outside quite clearly by any and all bystanders. 

What does this woman need with a jet, anyway?  Don't the logistics of taking off and landing a jet make it less useful than, say, an invisible bicycle?  Was her plan to carpet bomb purse snatchers?  How did she come to own an invisible jet?  Or, is it her very wonderfulness that makes military equipment transparent? 

In my opinion, the jet alone precludes a serious Wonder Woman movie being made, especially since we don't want our children flying jets around without helmets or oxygen masks.  But there's more:

The bullet-proof wrist bands.
First, wrist bands are out.  I'm not sure precisely when we all stopped caring about our arm sweat traveling down to our hands, or if we really ever cared about traveling sweat in the first place, but in any case: wrist bands are sooo out. 

Next, which is more impressive: the fact that round metal bands could deflect bullets, or the fact that Wonder Woman could move her arms fast enough to connect with flying bullets?  It would seem that if you have the superhuman skill to get your wrists (of all things) in position to block an oncoming bullet, you should also have the skill to simply dodge said bullet.  Or, and I'm just spit-balling here, maybe one could use their catty reflexes to bonk the shooter on the head and, even better, take his gun away (thereby reducing him to The Perpetrator Formerly Known As The Shooter).

And really, is the deflection of bullets really the best approach for a quick-handed superhero?  Let's stop for a moment and imagine the scene together: A crowded restaurant.  A robber holding up the place.  Wonder Woman enters, speaking boldly to the robber.  Shots are fired!  Shots are deflected.  Patrons are maimed.  "Hmm," says Wonder Woman, "maybe some sort of bullet-absorbing sponge could reduce the incidence of bystander maiming...  Back to the cave!" 

See what I'm saying?  There's just no way to make bullet-proof wrist bands work in today's world.  And yet, it gets worse:

The rope of truth and gold.
As the old saying goes, you can take the dork out of the cow pasture, but you can't take the cowgirl out of the superhero.  Wonder Woman, never able to shake her calf-rustling, hot-enough-for-a-tube-top-and-bikini-shorts days of her youth, wore bright red cowboy boots and carried a very special rope on her hip -- The Golden Rope of Truth.  Seeing as how her chosen mode of transportation was a jet, The Golden Colt .45 of Truth might have made more sense, but the rope did have the advantage of also tying up the potential liar for a bit. 

Strangely, the bad guys never said the things a bad guy would naturally say when entangled in a rope of truth and gold.  Surely most ne'er-do-wells would open with, "Man, you're hot," and continue on with trying to proposition her.  And surely the majority of them ask, at some point, "Are you wearing a tiara?" 

And why in the world would you make the rope gold?  To match the outfit, maybe?  To make the rope easier to pick out after line dancing class?  I mean, isn't a rope of gold more likely to be stolen and smelted into The Gangsta Rapper Teeth of Truth than a rope made of normal rope stuff? 

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It's all just ridiculous.  Even in the world of superheroes, it's ridiculous.  So Hollywood, please, I beg of you: don’t try.  We can't handle it. 

If you absolutely must make a Wonder Woman movie, make it a crazy one where the other superheroes degrade Wonder Woman for her silly skills, gadgets, and attire, but ultimately Wonder Woman prevails.  Maybe she has to stand in for Batman while he nurses a broken leg at a ski resort, and maybe she ends up with Harrison Ford at the end.  No matter.  Just promise you won't make a serious Wonder Woman movie.  Please.