Upon my most recent viewing of Episode V, The Empire Strikes Back, a chronology of otherwise random blasts of insight…
Watched this one in widescreen format; it was ineffably
better. I was even able to read the exposition at the
beginning. One problem, though. It said, “Although the
DEATH STAR has been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel
forces from their hidden base and pursued them across the
galaxy.” I think what Lucas meant to say was, “extremely
well-hidden base.” So well-hidden, in fact, that the Empire was
able not only to find the Rebels, but to pursue them across the
galaxy. From hidden base to hidden base.
I hate it that “Empire” and “Imperial” don’t start with the same letter.
The various “regal” monikers that Han uses to address Leia are
endlessly entertaining. “Your Worshipfulness” is my favorite from
Star Wars. My favorite from this episode is, “Your
Highnessness.”
When Luke fails to make it back to the Rebel base before dusk, Han
decides to go out and look for him. (Sub-zero temperatures on
Hoth keep the Rebels from being able to use speeders or go outside
after dark, and extreme meteoric activity keeps them from being able to
spot approaching ships. Why not Hoth?) The Rebels’
inability to adapt their speeders to the cold leaves Han only one
alternative in his search for Luke: a tauntaun. (“Tauntaun” is
short for “Kangaroo-camel-with-tusks-that-says-‘rubble-rubble.’”)
“But your tauntaun will freeze before you reach the first marker,”
somebody says. “Then I’ll see you in hell! Hyah!” Han
yells, and he’s off on his tauntaun. I saw this movie at the
theater as a child, and I remember thinking to myself, “I thought good
guys went to Heaven.”
Meanwhile, Luke is averting the throes of a carnivorous snow-monster
by using the force to obtain his lightsabre, cut himself free, chop the
arm off the snow-monster (and yes, this is yet another instantly
cauterized lightsabre avulsion), flee the cave into an apparent
blizzard (why not?), and crawl through the snow toward the visage of
Ben Kenobi, who’s telling him to go to Dagobah and train with a
“Yoda.” Luke’s lying there babbling when Han shows up on a
tauntaun that subsequently dies, and I’ve got to think he wants to ask
Luke, “Kid, why d’you keep calling me Ben Dagobah?”
After Han’s dramatic rescue of Luke, our protagonists reconvene to
tell Luke how healthy he looks and to hear Leia offer a couple of jokes
at Han’s expense. She then tells Han that he hasn’t quite
completely figured out women. “One-Mississippi, Two-Mississippi,
Three-Mississippi.” I just started counting the instant Leia’s
lips were pressed against Luke’s. What’s a three-second kiss
between siblings? It’s freaken me out, that’s what.
Alas, the Imperial Walkers cometh. But their armor’s too
strong for blasters! The fighter pilots have to use their
harpoons and tow cables to take them down. But guess what—it
appears that once you’ve taken a Walker down with your harpoons and tow
cables, their armor is no longer too strong for blasters! A Rebel pilot flies by and blows the downed Walker to smithereens. Seems right.
Here’s Darth Vader, striding through the Rebel base. And now,
a line of iambic pentameter to commemorate this event: How stark the
dark of Darth against the ice!
As our protagonists endeavor to escape Hoth on the Millennium
Falcon, Imperial forces blast away in vain at the ship. For
whatever reason, Leia says to Han, “Someday you’re gonna be wrong and I
just hope I’m there to see it.” No you don’t! You’d be dead
if it weren’t for him! So I was happy later, in the asteroid
field, when she recanted that statement.
Not only was my viewing of this movie in widescreen format, it was
also on DVD, so I was able to watch the movie with subtitles. A
few noteworthy observations regarding said subtitles: 1) When a
sub-aquatic beast on Dagobah swallows R2–D2 and then vomits him several
yards through the air, our droid sounds remarkably human by squealing,
“Wooooooow!” The subtitle reads, “Beeeeeeeep!” 2) Han and
Lando both refer to “their” ship as the “Fulcon,” and the subtitle
reads “Falcon.” 3) No matter what growling-moaning-gurgleton
comes out of Chewie, the subtitle reads exactly, “Gahhh!”
Once quasi-situated on Dagobah, Luke tells R2, “Now I’ve gotta find
this Yoda. If he even exists.” What? You’re gonna
heed the “apparition” of Obi-Wan, fly all that way, crash land your
ship, and then wonder if Yoda’s even real?! Shut up.
Then this Yoda (who really does exist!), veteran of countless battles over the centuries,
Jedi master, legendary warrior, former weilder of the powerfully
elegant lightsabre, is so fascinated with a little flashlight that he
beats R2 with his cane to get it from him. “Mine, mine, mine,
mine!” he says.
The Imperial fleet once again manages to lose track of the
Millennium Falcon. Captain Needa has the brilliant idea of
accepting full responsibility for losing them, and decides he will
apologize to Lord Vader. As he crumples to the floor, choked to death
by the Force, Vader utters, “Apology accepted, Captain
Needa.” This has been the Darth Vader Sarcastic Eulogy
of the Day.
Han, Leia, Chewie and 3PO enter Cloud City, where Leia has to endure
ol’ randy Lando. “Hello, what have we here?” he says with blatant
seduction. “Welcome. I’m Lando Calrissian, I’m the
administrator of this facility. And who might you be?” And
he continues to look at her with eyes of rape until Han punches him in
the mouth.
So Luke is training with Yoda on Dagobah when the Force reveals to
him that Han and Leia are in trouble. He decides he needs to
leave so he can help them. Yoda and the spirit of Obi-Wan Kenobi
then conspire to direct him otherwise. They say the following
things: “If you leave now, help them you could, but you will destroy
all for which they have fought and suffered,” and, “You must complete
the training,” and, “You must not go,” and, “This is a dangerous time
for you, when you will be tempted by the dark side of the Force,” and,
“If you choose the quick and easy path, as Vader did, you will become
an agent of evil.” And Luke decides to say, “Screw you
guys. I’m goin’!!”
Incidentally, when R2 plugged his appendage into the Cloud City’s
central computer, it told him the Falcon’s hyperdrive had been
disabled, but R2 didn’t feel this was pertinent information until they
had a fleet of Star Destroyers chasing them. Brilliant!
This would be an example of the opposite of Deus ex D2.
*The official, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” tally—Leia says
it once. That’s three total for the first two movies. And
right now, I’m so burnt out on Star Wars, I can’t guarantee any more
commentary. But I’ll take a break and we’ll see what happens…