I’ve got a bad feeling about this.*

In an attempt to be ready for May’s impending Star Wars “finale,” I decided to watch all five heretofore released movies (in order).  I was recently able to watch Episode IV, A New Hope, Star Wars, what have you. 

These are the blasts of insight I offer.

First of all, one should never view Star Wars in full screen format.  At the very beginning, by the time the letters were far enough up for me to read a full line, they were so stinken small I could make nothing of them.  So instead I would read the middle two letters of the lines at the bottom, then go back up and try to piece together the lines whose middles I’d previously read, to no avail. 

Stormtroopers must disintegrate when they die. 

  • There was but one entrance to the rebel ship, a door the Stormtroopers blasted open so they could get in.
  • The rebels musta shot fifty of ‘em. 
  • And they just kept coming in, like no military force in the universe could simply direct all their laserpower toward this little opening in their ship (through which the enemy must pass in order to get on the ship) and keep them from getting through the door alive.  All of them. 

So, Stormtroopers must disintegrate when they die because the dead plastic bodies didn’t block the door, Darth didn’t have to kick them angrily out of the way as he strode in, etc.  Where else could they have gone?  The rebels musta shot fifty of ‘em.  But then, it may be equally likely to think they were just shooting the same poor Stormtrooper over and over. 

Apparently, Jawas are vertically challenged creatures with headlights and brown cloaks who hide behind rocks in the middle of the desert and wait for droids to go by so they can zap them and bring them back to their big-ass transport.  Now, we know the desert isn’t the place for droids.  C-3PO got to where he could barely move.  (So it would make the most sense for Jawas to be lurking there in wait for them.)  However, these fellas seem to have a wicked lucrative trade going; their whole transport is full of droids, one of which I know is a McDonald’s trash can with legs. 

If it weren’t for the force, Luke Skywalker would be the biggest sissy in the universe.  Imagine the whiniest voice of all times: “But I was going to pick up some power converters,” he said.  “If there’s a bright center to the universe, you’re on the planet that it’s farthest from,” he said. 

Man, the Empire’s just not even trying to hide the fact that they’re pure evil, are they?  “Let’s call it the DEATH STAR,” they said. 

Incidentally, I believe this picture could have benefited much from Rip Torn playing Uncle Owen.

Mos Eisley, the infamous space port where Skywalker and Kenobi hook up with Han and Chewie, is as interesting as any locale featured in the films.  For example, in the pub there, they’ve got guys who look like the Coneheads; white, furry beasts that squawk their crude languages through what look like Vienna Sausages protruding from their faces; anteater looking folk; gourd-headed clarinet players; they’ve even got a guy who has a big ol’ pink baboon’s butt for a chin.  Then R2 and 3PO come in (nary wanting to be there).  “Hey!” the bartender (who also should have been played by one Rip Torn!) says with a sneer, “We don’t serve their kind here…Your droids—they’ll have to wait outside.  We don’t want them here!”  Seems right.

Also at Mos Eisley, I believe we see the only lightsabre avulsion that isn’t instantly cauterized (as best I can remember).  I just know Luke doesn’t bleed to death when Darth chops him later on.  And doesn’t Anakin get chopped in Episode II?  No blood then either, you say. 

Later in the movie, Vader tells Kenobi, “Your powers are weak, old man,” and during his negotiation with Han and Chewie at Mos Eisley, you can tell they are.  I reckon the smugglers aren’t quite as weak-minded as the gullible Stormtroopers who didn’t “need to see his identification.”  Han tells them the ship’s fast enough, and then asks, “What’s the cargo?”

“Only passengers—myself, the boy, two droids, and no questions asked.”  So how does Han respond?  “What is it, some kind of local trouble?”  Yes, it’s a question.  And does Kenobi shut him down, tell him, “Ah, ah, ah, I said, ‘No questions asked,’ remember?”  Oh, no.  He decides to tell him they’re fleeing the very Empire, and costs them so much extra that Luke’s ready to buy his own stinken ship.  Then, the Jedi master offers nearly double the exorbitant amount Han requests.  I guess he was thinking, “Well, I’ll probably just let ol’ Darth slice me into the spirit realm; it’s not gonna cost me anything.” 

As Han then prepares to leave Mos Eisley, he runs into Jabba the Hut, to whom he owes a sum of money.  After striking a spoken agreement, he tells him, “Jabba, you’re a wonderful human being.”  No need to change the dialogue when you change Jabba from a male actor to a computer-generated slug, although, “Jabba, you’re a wonderful computer-generated slug,” doesn’t quite roll as well off the tongue. 

And now, one of my favorite lines of all the Star Wars films: Han snapping at Luke, “Traveling through hyperspace ain’t like dustin’ crops, boy!”  That is all.

What I like is when Luke, Han (in Stormtrooper getup), and Chewie break into the detention level on the DEATH STAR (with blasters blasting!) and Luke goes in to get Leia and she says, “Aren’t you a little short for a Stormtrooper?” and he says, “Oh, the uniform.”  Oh, the uniform.  Do you expect me to believe Luke Skywalker forgot he was wearing ten pounds of plastic and the most sight-constricting helmet ever designed?  I mean, they look cooler than crap, but come on! 

Deus ex machina is a Latin phrase, which when literally translated, means, “God out of the machine.”  It was a convention of Greek tragedy whereby the gods would intervene and save the day when it seemed all hope was lost.  The pervasive element of this convention in the Star Wars films takes the form of our little buddy, R2-D2, who (in this episode) brandishes an appendage that enables our protagonists to view and control some crucial inner-workings of the very DEATH STAR (e.g. finding where the Princess is being held, shutting down “all the garbage smashers on the detention level,” etc.)  This is certainly not the last time I’ll be addressing what I refer to as, “Deus ex-D2.”  Oh, no; without that little droid, they’d all be dead. 

When I’m about to die from being squished in a trash compactor or falling off a ledge into a bottomless shaft, I like to wax witty.  I say things like, “One thing’s for sure—we’re all gonna be a lot thinner,” or, “I think we took a wrong turn.”  Bottom line: never mind impendingdeath.  Don’t think, just say something that will lighten the mood.

If Stormtroopers swam to the bottom of the ocean, they’d have trouble hitting water with their blasters.

Just moments before Luke fires the proton torpedoes that cause the DEATH STAR to explode, he hears the voice of Kenobi encouraging him to use the Force.  At this point, rather than depending on a computer to help him, he trusts the Force completely.  Someone then asks from the rebel base: “Luke, you switched off your targeting computer—what’s wrong?”  Luke replies, “Nothing.  I’m all right.”  Oh—oh, good.  No problem, I just thought you’d turned off your TARGETING COMPUTER!  But I guess rather than being cynical, the rebels must have just thought, “Wow, this Skywalker’s a real cowboy!  So what if we’re all gonna die in a minute?!” 

Alas, the Force is more powerful than any targeting computer.

*The official “I’ve got a bad feeling about this” tally for episode IV: Luke and Han each say it once. 

Stay tuned for commentary on The Empire Strikes Back…