Alan Dotson

Go Speed Racer

Alan Dotson — Tue, 11 Jul 2006 19:24:47 GMT

Autoblog has a really good article about taking your car to the dragstrip for the first time. Since I have been thinking recently about doing this very thing, it may come in very handy.

The launch is by far and away the most critical part of a quick run down the strip, especially for vehicles with automatics (those driving manuals will be provided with an opportunity to slow down the run during every shift). The reason is simple; the car is moving the slowest here and wasting the most time, so get the damn thing moving!

Back when I was young and stupid (now I’m just old and stupid) I used to do some street racing, but apparently official dragstrip racing has a few more rules. Now I just need to get the nitrous hooked up on the minivan.

Coming to America

Alan Dotson — Wed, 05 Jul 2006 22:54:00 GMT

On the boats and on the planes
They're coming to America
Never looking back again
They're coming to America

We went to the park to watch fireworks last night. After much searching and comparison of sight-lines, the softness of the grass, proximity to street lights, and nearness of obnoxious revellers, we finally chose the perfect spot and settled in.

Did I say it was the perfect spot? Well it was, right until about 2 minutes before the fireworks started. Then the man next to us dug out his portable radio. The volume level wasn't horrible, but it was still a little intrusive and annoying, especially when he tuned the radio to an 80's rock station. I don't know about you, but I just can't hear "Some Like it Hot" by Powerstation enough times. I only heard it eight or nine thousand times prior to 1987, and I would like to get up to an even 10,000 before I die.

I found myself becoming more and more irate. Who was this person to impose his music upon me? Didn't he have any common courtesy?! Couldn't we just enjoy the fireworks with our families in reverent and patriotic awe without music? And why the heck wasn't he sharing his Doritos with me? But as the fireworks started, I noticed that the station began playing patriotic songs, almost in synch with each crash and boom of the display overhead. God Bless America. America the Beautiful. America by Neil Diamond. (I didn't say the songs were all good, just that they were patriotic, alright?)

So maybe this person's choice of music wasn't so bad after all. He was just a patriot, a lover of his county, trying to enhance his enjoyment of the beautiful spectacle. I watched my neighbor with new eyes, noticing that he seemed to be Latino. He would raise his cup occasionally to toast a particularly breathtaking display of pyrotechnics. He would sing aloud some of the lyrics to the songs in Spanish. I immediately began to feel guilty about my previous judging of this person. Here he was, possibly new to this country, glad for the chance to celebrate his joy at being in this wonderful land of opportunity. Who knows what hardships he had to endure just to get here, and I dared to begrudge him this opportunity? No way.

I sat back to enjoy the rest of the lightshow with a smile on my face, content with my place in the universe. There may have been a tear in my eye, or perhaps it was just a little dusty at the park that day. The fireworks came to a resounding conclusion followed by thousands of people applauding the show. My newfound Latino compatriot stood up, shut off his radio, and announced for everyone nearby to hear. "Well, that sucked!"

Welcome to America my friend. Welcome.

Linday Lohan Hates Kids

Alan Dotson — Thu, 29 Jun 2006 17:05:00 GMT

This story is kind of old, but someone just recently brought it to my attention. Lindsay Lohan doesn't like kid movies.

"(I don't) need to do any more kid movies," Lohan tells Harper's Bazaar magazine in their upcoming issue. "The word kid makes you feel like a child. Someone I dated called me kid all the time. I hated it... I've been through more than some people have in lifetimes."

Lets just recap the points Lindsay is making here.

The word "kid" makes her feel like a child.

Other words and phrases that make her feel like a child: little girl, little baby, small fry, tot, papoose, minor, tyke, jail bait and barely legal. Ironically, she later revealed that the word "child" makes her feel a bit like a wax pear.

A guy she dated called her kid.

Ah ha! So the rumors about her and Clint Eastwood were true! Which is creepier, the fact that she dated a man who called her kid, or the fact that she admitted this in an interview? I can so relate to her too, because someone I dated always called me ugly, and it made me somehow feel less attractive.

Just kidding, of course I have never dated anyone.

She has been through more than some people have in lifetimes.

Ok, I'll give her this one. Dating Wilmer Valderrama has got to be a kind of hell on earth that only victims of war crimes and patrons of Taco Bell can relate to.

But hey, if it means extreme riches, I will gladly follow in Lindsay's footsteps and intentionally spew 95% of my meals and get a series of breast augmentation procedures. I draw the line at dating Wilmer however. You hear me Fez?! Now stop calling!!

Bigger than a Breadbox

Alan Dotson — Mon, 26 Jun 2006 15:27:00 GMT

When I play "20 Questions," and it's the other person's turn to guess the noun in my head, I like to choose "breadbox." When the other person asks if my noun is bigger than a breadbox, I can say, "No, it's exactly the same size. And shape." The game usually ends with the next guess, or, in cases of severe retardation, two guesses. For cat lovers and Lindsay Lohan, you have to spot them three.

Occasionally people will out think themselves. "Hmm. What is exactly the same size and shape as a breadbox?! Is it a microwave? A small TV? A block of government cheese?" For some reason, once they discover the answer, these people don't want to play with me anymore.

Anyway, I tell you all this to determine, EXACTLY HOW BIG IS A BREADBOX??! Growing up, my breadbox was large, I guess. It was roughly the size of an industrial 70's style microwave; I think it could hold 14 or 15 loaves of bread and a jar of government pickles. In fact, being one of five children, I would sometimes sleep in the breadbox to get a little privacy. (And I was a "husky" child.)

My wife, on the other hand, grew up with a breadbox held exactly one (1) loaf of bread, with extra room for, maybe, a butter knife. So we have totally different ideas of how big a breadbox is, resulting in years of 20-Questions-related frustration. It has placed more stress on our relationship than the “Frosted vs. non-frosted Pop Tart debate of ‘98”.

If you have an opinion on the "correct" sizing of breadboxes, let me know. Next time we will determine the exact definitions of person, place, and thing.

The Wrong Side of the Tracks

Alan Dotson — Fri, 23 Jun 2006 20:14:00 GMT

I am far too lazy to write actual blog posts, so instead I'm posting a recent IM conversion between two fictional characters. We’ll call them say… “Alan Dotson” and “Jen Dotson”.

Jen: We should move to Alaska
Alan: Minnesota is warmer, let's move there
Jen: Minnesota? No way. Alaska is beautiful
Alan: So am I, but you don't see people moving to me.
Jen: Not that you know of, anyway.
Alan: That could be embarrassing. "Excuse me Alan, you appear to have a small family living in your ass crack."

No, We Aren't French

Alan Dotson — Fri, 07 Apr 2006 16:59:00 GMT

My 4 year-old son Noah recently had to go to the doctor for his 4 year checkup. The 4 year checkup provided him with his first opportunity to pee in a cup. Once we finally convinced him that it was ok to go ahead and pee in the cup, he thought it was pretty hilarious. I can imagine the thoughts going through his head. "So I pee in a cup, and put it in this little cubby over here? And the next time I look, Voila! The pee cup is gone! I am going to have to try this at home!" I am expecting to open the microwave one of these days to find my collectible Garfield coffee mug full of pee. I AM easy to get along with when things go my way! (Note: A cup full of pee = Things not going my way. At all.)

Later on in the checkup, they did some testing to make sure that his mental development is on track. He had to name the colors used in certain pictures, do some counting, and finally identify what some common objects are used for. He was doing great, answering all the questions no problem, until the doctor asked the question: "Noah, what is a cup used for?" His gleeful answer was, of course: "To pee in!"

The horrified doctor flunked him back to being a 3 year-old. I guess we will try the test again next year.

God put this here for me and you. Take advantage man, take advantage.

Alan Dotson — Wed, 29 Mar 2006 14:51:00 GMT

Since I can't get any real people to send me email, I like to get on some nice mailing lists so I can be popular too. It makes me feel loved to check my messages and see that Columbia House misses me and wants me back. (Talk about an "in your face!" to the girls that dumped me in high school!) Not only that, but according to Scott's Fertilizer and Smith & Wesson, spring is the best time to apply crabgrass killer to my lawn AND the best time to purchase a semi-automatic weapon. Ah spring! The smell of chemicals and cordite is in the air!

I think I may skip the crabgrass killer, buy the gun, and just hope for a mid-summer shootout with the crabgrass.

I recently signed up for the Park's Seed company email newsletter, and to be honest, I had less than high hopes. But then in my inbox, I found the very first email:

Well what do you know, free illicit drugs! Maybe not right up my alley, but perhaps the free Oxycontin email would come tomorrow. But no, the next day I found this in my inbox:

Turns out they are just going to give me some kind of crappy foam container. Talk about your false advertising.

The Switch Works Both Ways

Alan Dotson — Thu, 23 Mar 2006 15:18:00 GMT

I haven't been blogging much this month, I gave it up for Lent. I know it might appear that I am breaking my vow right now, but I actually wrote this post sometime after Easter then back-dated it to appear today.

I was driving home last night around 5:15 PM, almost a full hour before the "official" sunset at 6:14 PM. It was a little overcast, but the sun was still blazing away up there, above the clouds, lighting the world around me. My commute home takes all of about 10 minutes.

I give you all this background so you can understand my horror at what happened next. No, I didn't run over a family of fluffy ducklings or decapitate myself on a defective airbag and defenestrate my head. No, it was MUCH, MUCH WORSE.

No fewer than three people flashed their headlights at me. That's right, three (3) people felt that their decision-making abilities were superior to mine in this area. Three (3) people were afraid I might not be able to see the road and would careen to my death because I didn't have my headlights on in broad daylight. Three (3) people who could all see me from 100 yards away were worried that someone else might not be able to see me.

When the first flashing took place, I just laughed and continued on my way. When it happened a second time, I grew angry and screamed profanities at them in Arabic. When it happened a third time, I threw the car into a power-slide/U-turn and chased down and rammed the offending car repeatedly.

At least that's what I meant to do. Unfortunately I couldn’t see very well in the poor light and ran my car into the ditch.

I guess I should have had my lights on.

Annoying Lists

Alan Dotson — Wed, 01 Mar 2006 01:43:00 GMT

Everyone who knows me knows how much I love these blog meme things. It’s like taking the quizzes in Cosmo magazine, painful and possibly relationship-ending. Nonetheless, I’ve been tagged (Thanks Jason! Check your porch for burning paper bags!), so without further ado, here it is:

Four jobs I’ve had:

Carpet Cleaner
Pizza Deliverer
Parks Maintenance Guy
Whatever it is that I do now

Four places I’ve lived:

Loveland
Ft. Collins
Chicago
Longmont

Four movies I can watch over and over:

Pulp Fiction
Heat
Shawshank Redemption
Veggie Tales (Can watch, Have to watch, what's the difference?)

Four TV shows I love (Love is a strong word, lets just say like):

Musclecar – These may be two of the most annoying hosts in TV history. They shout more than Sterling Sharpe’s wife.
My Name is Earl
Lost
Horsepower TV – What these guys lack in shouting, they make up for with cheesy jokes.

Four places I’ve vacationed:

Cozumel
Orlando
Maui
Kauai

Four of my favorite dishes:

Pizza
Spaghetti
Tortilla soup
Buffalo wings

Four sites I visit daily:

Four places I’d rather be right now:

Cozumel
Orlando
Maui
Kauai

Four books I love:

Four video games I can play over and over:

Four people I’m tagging: (We’ll just see if I can end this meme right here)

A Scanner Darkly

Alan Dotson — Thu, 23 Feb 2006 15:42:00 GMT

I just found the trailer to A Scanner Darkly, coming out this summer. (Found via Ed Bott's great Windows tips site) Based on the trailer, this is a movie I need to see as soon as possible. Check it out and give me a reason you don’t want to see it, I dare you. I will be dubunking your reasoning in advance.

I won’t see any movie with Keanu Reeves in it.
Whatever. If you are a guy, you saw all the Matrix movies. If you are a woman, you have seen at least one of his sappy movies, such as Sweet November. Let's just pretend that Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure never happened.
Robert Downey Jr. does drugs. He is evil.
Yes, he is evil, but I bet he avoids shooting up on film, so you probably won't have to see it. Besides, he is a good actor, and I heard he might bring back his hair from 1985 for this role.
Philip K. Dick's name makes me uncomfortable.
I heard he was changing his name to Philip B. Notphallicatall just for you.
That cartooney effect makes me feel like I'm watching a Charles Schwab commercial
I'm with you there, but I bet you get used to it after a couple of hours. If not, we can make some stock trades in the lobby while buying our Ju Ju Bees.
Winona Ryder steals things. She is evil.
Hey let he who has never borrowed a strangers car for a few hours cast the first stone. That's what I thought.

If I Had a Penny for My Thoughts, I'd be a Millionaire

Alan Dotson — Wed, 22 Feb 2006 16:04:00 GMT

Looking for some good sports-related quotes? The Sports Guy's Quote of the Day archive never disappoints. Here are a couple of winners:

"I think it's better to buy real estate than say, a yellow and purple Corvette or an elephant that can speak sign language. My parents help me out a lot with that stuff. They don't want to see me when I'm 30, dead broke, selling bootleg tapes of my snowboard movies on the side of the freeway."

-- Olympic gold medalist Shaun White on how he spends his endorsement money

"Everywhere I go, I hear 'Welcome back.' But everywhere I have been, I have always been with myself. I'm with myself now more than ever. It's funny people say 'Welcome back' when I haven't gone anywhere."

-- Ricky Williams (Before his most recent failed drug test)

Beyonce and Butterscotch

Alan Dotson — Mon, 20 Feb 2006 23:55:00 GMT

You will have to forgive me (or thank me) for not writing more lately. I am recovering from a butterscotch-induced coma. My lovely wife Jen was kind enough to bake my favorite cookies last week, butterscotch chip. She made approximately 400 of the delicious little treats, assuming that our three children would help me eat them. This was a false assumption. It turns out that these children may not have gotten any of my genes at all. They prefer their chips to be chocolate, not the most delicious substance known to man: butterscotch.

So Jen threw down the gauntlet. "You need to take the cookies that are left to work on Monday and get rid of them." GET RID of butterscotch cookies? This is anathema to me. Does that French museum, what's-it's-name GET RID of the Mona Lisa? No. Does Jay Leno GET RID of his beautiful collection of classic cars? No. Does Jay-Z GET RID of Beyonce? No. (I know what you are thinking. If I were uglier, would Beyonce date me too?)

So I spent the weekend frantically eating cookies at every opportunity. Breakfast? Good time to eat 12 cookies! Overly full from going out to dinner? Why not throw down 6 butterscotchy-good morsels?

I gained 3 pounds, was blind for about 5 hours, and I now have something called Stage 2 Diabetes, but it was worth it. I didn't have to share a single cookie. In your face, co-workers!

Writing Tips

Alan Dotson — Thu, 16 Feb 2006 17:20:00 GMT

If you are looking for some tips to get your writing up to my level, let me be the first to say: Welcome to America! Hope you pick up the language without too much trouble! And/Or: Hope you recover from the brain damage really quickly!

This page has some great tips that a lazy blogger like myself could learn from.

Hey Kettle, It's Me. You're Black.

Alan Dotson — Mon, 13 Feb 2006 21:13:00 GMT

Driving down the interstate the other day, we saw a gigantic sign on the right proclaiming: "Median Crossing Prohibited". Of course being a scofflaw, I immediately had to have a look at said median, just in case I might want to break this rule at some point in the future. I saw that the median has a rather large and very solid looking concrete barrier running down the middle of it.

Why bother to prohibit something that is physically impossible? Are they going to start putting up signs that say: "Switching Heads With Milk Cows Prohibited" or "Floating Above Roadway on Cloud of Pixie Dust Prohibited" or "Going the Speed Limit Prohibited"? Sure, this would lead to a bonanza for sign makers, but the rest of us non-sign-maker types would suffer. Eventually we would all starting ignoring the signs that cry wolf and possibly miss an important one. Like "Denny's: Next Exit".

Later on the same trip, I complained about a car ignoring a stop sign and pulling directly out in front of me. My beautiful wife pointed out that I, as a scofflaw, roll through 98% of the stop signs I am confronted with. I countered that only a select few of us can be scofflaws. If everyone were ignoring stop signs, it would be anarchy. We are a nation of laws and signs, people. Obey them. Because Alan might be coming the other way.

February (28) Update

Alan Dotson — Sat, 11 Feb 2006 18:09:00 GMT

Just a little update on how the February (28) program is going. As of yesterday there were 10 days gone in the month and I had 8 posts up for the month. So I am barely, barely keeping a “B” average at 80% (Reminds me of college). We’ll see if I get around to creating some posts for those missing days or if I just say screw it and change the name of the program to February (26). Too bad I didn’t have this option in college, I would now be the proud owner of a Kinda Bachelors of Science in Sorta Computer Information Systems and I would have saved a couple of semesters of work. Live and learn I guess.

Jason is doing much better than I am at posting despite travelling to the ends of the earth this month. Well mostly the north end. Make sure you check out his most recent post, it is extremely good work, especially for someone who is hopped up on Fresca and Ding Dongs every waking minute of every single day.

Banned in Mesopotamia

Alan Dotson — Fri, 10 Feb 2006 16:20:00 GMT

So I’m sure we are all sick and tired of hearing about all the rage in the middle east over the Mohammed Cartoon. I too am outraged. Cartoons like Family Circus and Cathy have been horrible for a very long time, but have their been any riots against them? No.

I have hated Family Circus for a very long time now. I assumed when I was younger that once I had children of my own, I would grow to appreciate it. I was wrong. Apparently you have to have children AND a frontal lobotomy to enjoy the cartoon. Since I will never be a woman with a frontal lobotomy, I will also never enjoy Cathy.

So join with me and my righteous indignation! Let’s riot against… oh never mind. Sounds like way too much work. I guess I will just do the same thing I do every week. Ignore the cartoons that I don’t like. Read the ones I do. Thats the way the world works, right?

What Is and What Should Never Be

Alan Dotson — Thu, 09 Feb 2006 16:57:00 GMT

We've been watching season 3 of 24 lately on DVD. I was kind enough to buy the box set for my wife for Christmas since I really wanted to watch it. I also got her a Brooke Burke calendar and an intake manifold for a 72 Cutlass. She may have me figured out though. She gave me a Fendi handbag and a gift certificate to Bath & Body Works.

The episode of 24 we watched last night led to a question I've had about action movies and TV shows for a long time. Why do people always have to duck down when charging into a running helicopter? Jack Bauer and the gang did the duck down thing at least 4 times in one episode, and so have the characters in every action movie I've seen since Rambo.

I did a little research [1], and that helicopter rotor is a good 10 feet off the ground. If you are taller than that, then you can think about ducking down. Actually, if you are taller than that, you could probably stand to take a little off the top anyway.

Maybe this behavior is an artifact from early poorly-designed helicopters that were only about 5 feet tall. The pilot would jump out, stand up, and immediately be decapitated. After 10 years of this, when everyone was finally used to ducking down, and the people that couldn't get used to it were all decapitated, they finally came up with the brilliant idea of taller helicopters.

What is the real answer? I don't have any idea. It’s a conundrum. Wrapped in an enigma. Wrapped in a delicious donut.

[1] No actual research was done.

Is it an Automatic or a Standard?

Alan Dotson — Wed, 08 Feb 2006 16:59:00 GMT

Thanks to Mr. Cody Powell, I now have a new insult in my lexicon. Stank butt tranny.

Montana Secedes From the Union

Alan Dotson — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 18:56:00 GMT

As if we needed any more proof that Joe Montana is not worthy to carry John Elway’s support giving undergarments, here is a story about Montana refusing to attend the MVP ceremony at the Super Bowl with every other living MVP, except Terry Bradshaw (who?). What possible reason could he have for not attending? Sick? No. Traveling? No. Family commitments? No.

Joe thought his time was worth $100 grand.

This is a man who recently dusted off his 49ers uniform and tugged it over his fat belly to appear in a commercial for FedEx. Apparently he either has no pride, or he has blown all his millions building his ill-advised “Montawood” theme park.

So if you happen to run into Joe on the street, throw him a couple of Hamiltons. Apparently he needs the money.

If I Had Posted Saturday, it Would Have Looked Like This

Alan Dotson — Sat, 04 Feb 2006 15:57:00 GMT

Well, Super Bowl time is upon us once again. Since I was kind of counting on the Broncos to be in the Superbowl, I have been avoiding thinking about it for the past two weeks. No one wants to see a grown man in a Ron Dayne jersey walking around the office crying. Nonetheless, I feel the need to make a bold prediction about the game, so here we go.

I think the Steelers are going to win. They are also going to cover the spread, for all you illegal gamblers out there. I am extremely sure of this. Pittsburg will win by a score of 21–10. Hines Ward will win the MVP trophy and go to Disneyland. Mike Holmgren will go eat a really big block of cheese then work on growing his mustache for a couple of weeks. He will also probably make a point of blaming his quarterback for his playcalling limitations.

Remember, you heard it here first.

Dinner Time

Alan Dotson — Fri, 03 Feb 2006 08:08:00 GMT

We've been having some trouble lately getting the kids to eat their dinner. My wife is a very good cook, so I don't really understand this. Regardless, the kids will cry, pout, yell, and hold their breath to avoid eating something new. I vary between using my Voice of Authority™ and trying to use humor to diffuse the situation. (If you are going the humor route, I highly recommend armpit farts. Armpit farts make little boys laugh 100% of the time, even at funerals.) After 30 minutes when they finally eat it, they always say "that isn't too bad!"

Of course it isn’t too bad!! Do you think we are trying to feed you avian bird flu feces? No, in general we try to feed you food. Children seem to have no problem at all putting things that aren't food into their mouths however. Dirty washcloths, plastic sharks, oily screw drivers, dirty bathwater, a marble they found under the refrigerator, grave dirt. But don't ask them to try that new casserole. Gross!

So we have to look for alternate ways to get some nutrition into them. Chocolate milk, for example. A side benefit of the milk is, if you can get them to suck down a big glass, they will get cold and want to cuddle with you. (Warning: Armpit farts done in the middle of the chocolate milk drinking are not a good idea. Warning 2: Drawers in a kitchen table are troublesome, as they will often fill up with nose milk.)

Drinking the Kool Aid

Alan Dotson — Fri, 03 Feb 2006 07:03:00 GMT

Ok, ok. I too am participating in the February (28) program instituted by Jason Looney. What this means is that I am committing to writing a post every day for the month of February (Sorry Mom, you might have a lot of reading this month). I am coming in to this just a little bit late, but hey, I already had a post for February 1 so everything works out.

Maybe it will instill some good writing habits in me, or maybe it will cause me to give up “writing” forever and run back to the beloved green hills of Uzbekistan in revulsion. Stay tuned to find out what happens. Either way, it’s a win-win situation for both my readers.

Al-Qaeda Hates Pork Chops

Alan Dotson — Wed, 01 Feb 2006 16:16:00 GMT

A recent news story on CNN talks about Osama bin Laden's right-hand man, Ayman al-Zawahiri appearing in a video to taunt the US. Here is the “taunting” quote that seemed to get the most attention:

"My first message is to the butcher of Washington, Bush: You are not just defeated and lying about it, but you are, with God's help, a loser."

Calling W a butcher? Thats the best this guy can come up with? Come on, this is America, terror boy! We love our butchers. We love anyone involved in preparing food to shove in our giant pie holes. (Mmmm. Pie.) He might as well have called President Bush the ice cream man of Washington.

If he is trying to make President Bush seem unpalatable to the American people, he would have been better calling him something else. Let's see if we can come up with a list of professions that would be worse.

IRS Agent of Washington
Telemarketer of Washington
DMV Worker of Washington
Policeman of Washington (no i don’t have issues with authority)
Tow Truck Driver of Washington
Inventor of the Internet of Washington
Tofu Maker of Washington
French Waiter of Washington
Door-To-Door Salesman of Magazines of Washington (Technically not selling anything, just collecting points for his trip to Cozumel)
Barbara Streisand

What Do the Steelers and Your Boss Have in Common?

Alan Dotson — Wed, 25 Jan 2006 17:17:00 GMT

During the AFC Championship game on Sunday (which we should never speak of again) my 3 year old, Noah, told me that "The Steelers are uncreatable." "Oh really?" I replied. "And what does uncreatable mean?"

He explained for me. "The Steelers are stupid. But we aren't allowed to call them stupid, so I call them uncreatable instead. It's a figure of speech." Well there you go. I have taught my children well. All teams other than the Broncos are stupid. Noah went on to tell me that everything his older brother Seth wants to do is also uncreatable, but that everything he wants to do is so very, very creatable.

So your homework for today is to use this new word at work. Think of the joy of telling your boss his idea for the new campaign is uncreatable. The probability that he will have read this blog and will fire you immediately are approximately 4 in 280 billion. (Note: If your bosses name is Alan Dotson, or Mama Dotson, the chances are slightly higher.) And being a boss, he will never admit that he doesn't know the meaning of the word. He may even spend the rest of the day poking around in the dictionary and leave you alone for once.

Let me know how it goes.

Walker, Texas Ranger

Alan Dotson — Wed, 11 Jan 2006 19:10:00 GMT

You may or may not be a fan of Chuck Norris, but either way you will find this site both funny and offensive. My favorite non-profane items would have to be:

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

and

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.